Before 'During'.

Home Info

About: I do not use my tumblr to gain followers. Heck, I hardly even use it at all.

(Source: electricfeeling, via hopefulaspiration)

If I believed in God, I would ask him/her why they had thrown so much bad stuff at me lately but, as it happens, I don’t.

And I thought student fridges were supposed to look bare…

I arrive home from university to an empty fridge because my parents are literally broke. You know things are bad when you’re eating supermarket branded food but things have hit an all time low when you find yourself eating smartprice ginger nuts; who created these horrible ‘biscuits’ anyway? I have lost over half a stone over the past few weeks despite gorging on said ginger nuts. The other day my mum came back from the shops and exclaimed, ‘That’s it. We have one solid meal a day for the next 2 weeks.’ She and my dad had split the last 20 pounds we have for the month, 10 for food and dad spent the rest on diesel. That sounds bad enough but it made me feel sick that I’d just spent 12 pounds on a bottle of vodka hours prior. They wouldn’t accept my money regardless.

So I’m hungry, we’re all hungry. Obviously, as you can imagine, not having food means we definitely don’t have a holiday. I have only ever been abroad with my family once and that was when I was in year 8. We went to spain for 2 weeks and I remember thinking it was the first of many. Boy was I mistaken. We became poorer and poorer and various other reasons meant that holdiays were out of the question. Especially this year. People always mistake me for somebody who wouldn’t like to travel, I would love to; I just never had the opportunity. Last year most of my friends went on a holiday together and to Reading and had an awesome time but I couldn’t afford it. I begged my mum but she couldn’t help me pay for it so I went without. This year, I made sure I got a Reading ticket at least. Well… Weaz got me the ticket and I need to pay her back. This was my one and only holiday for the year, a treat lets say.

Man do I miss my oyster. I used to joke when I was at school and I’d lost my oyster saying ’ THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER! ’ but now I would say ‘My oyster was my world’. Maybe not my entire world but I really did take free travel for granted. It takes me at least one bus to get to a train station/the shops/to my friends. All of this travel amounts to at least 4 pound a day. So I got my bike fixed. It took an entire day, working into the night and lots of money but I now had my bike to travel everywhere for free. Awesome.

Being back at home with new rent payments starting in August, I needed a job. My sister lands me an internship at her competitors work in London and after weeks of organising this guaranteed placement, I am very excited (and understandably nervous). I’ve researched the company, sorted out loads of new office clothes I’m going to purchase and I’ve ensured that the pay will cover all costs til I’m back at uni. I was sorted. The boss wanted to meet me in the next week so we arrange a time. On the morning of this meeting I encounter some double bad luck with my card being eaten by an ATM and the tube station I needed to get off at being closed but these do not deter me and I make it there just on time. I meet my boss - bubbly and kind - who shows me around the office; 7th floor in a huge block which overlooks Blackfriars Bridge. I am told it looks wonderful at night and am excited to see it when I come back to work there. She introduces me to a couple of people ad we sit down with a drink and the current intern. We’re chatting for a few minutes when she slips in that I have definitely got the job, just to be clear. I chat with the current intern in the cafe for 20 minutes or so and everything is great! The job sounds challenging and creative, the pay is niiice, and the people are really helpful! After an hour or so of ‘meeting her’ I step foot through the doors of that building housing this new sophisticated world of work I would be entering in 3 weeks time. I am elated. I receive a ‘Welcome aboard!’ email an hour or so later confirming my internship there and, after a browse of the Tate and my ‘meal of the day’ back at home, I head back into London for my gig. This goes well and things are finally looking up for once.

You can imagine my disappointment the next morning when I awake to find another email in my inbox telling me that I can’t have the internship after all. I am assured, amidst many apologies, that this is soley due to the fact that my sister works for the competitor but this does not give me any comfort. A month of my time, money and hopes have been wasted. Not only this but during this past month, I have not been careful with my money as I was told I had got the internship. And so I lay there in my bed, totally disappointed and worrying how the hell I was going to make up 1200 pounds before October. I spent the next 48 hours in this state.

I thought I’d feel happier the next morning but I awoke to a room void of sunshine. I looked around my room; a task which is almost impossible as it takes merely a glance to see the entirity of my tiny box room. I’ve now learnt to live with it. You cannot open the door properly and my bed is still simply 2 mattresses piled on top of each other on the floor. I still have 4 suitcases of my clothes downstairs messing up the dining room and about 8 boxes of stuff cluttering up the hallway and my brothers room. I cannot unpack as there is nowehere to put my stuff. Anyway, it always takes me a few seconds to remember where I am and what I am doing in life as soon as I wake up and after about 2 seconds of morning, I remembered what I’d missed out on the night before. It was one of my best friend’s birthdays and we were all going to go round hers in the evening and then go to a club in London for the night - it was going to be great and I was gonna buy her drinks (because I now could) and show her a really good time . But, as much as I wanted to be there on her birthday, I now couldn’t afford it. I had to save as much as possible. I’d like to think I am quite sociable; I HATE not leaving the house and love to see at least one person a day. It soon dawned on me that I would have to miss out on a lot of social happenings. With this, I got rid of my facebook account.

After wallowing in self pity for nearly two days, it starts to wear off. You start to realise that wallowing isn’t going to help and I just wanted to get out of the house. My best mate texts me late that night telling me to come to hers the next day. This morning, we formulated a plan for the day and once more, life looked a little up. I packed my laptop and some dvds into my bag and hopped on my bike. I cross 3 roads and am cycling hard up a hill when BANG the back wheel fucks up and the chain comes off. The pedal swings round real fast and whacks my kneecap and I gasp in pain but I bear it. I walk my bike forward a touch and then I start feeling really weird and sick. I fall to the ground with my bike and call my best mate to tell her I’m not coming whilst feeling really disorientated. I hobble back to my feet and get on my bike to roll down the hill and save walking on my knee but ten seconds later and my vision starts blacking out and I feel so sick so I fall onto a patch of green grass and lay there for a while. I’m in tears, my knee kills, my bike’s broken and I have no clue why I am suddenly blacking out. I eventually get home and take my jeans off and I’ve drawn blood through them and there’s a small lump but it doesn’t look bad. Dad gets home and just tells me off for riding my bike. Now, as I write this, I am sitting back on my bed. My knee is agonising when I bend it and lean on it in certain positions. I have spent yet another day in the house and now I am moneyless, in pain, bikeless and sad. I’m probably going to have to sell my Reading ticket. I haven’t seen my friends in far too long. I haven’t seen Harry in months. It feels as though I have got to that desperate stage in monopoly when you have to turn all your properties over and sell up just to stay in the game; but this is not a game, it’s my life. These past few days have been so incredibly unlucky for me.

So really, I only wrote this because I honestly have nothing better to do. Maybe one day in the (hopefully brighter) future, I will read this again and think, WOW life was shit back then but right now, I’m stuck here. If you are reading this… Firstly, you must really be bored, or nosey, or both. Secondly; you should appreciate what you do have in life… Appreciate having money, appreciate having food, appreciate having friends that are there, appreciate being able to go out with them, appreciate having a family that care, appreciate having fully working legs, transport, jobs, aspirations, appreciate having your life as it is because it can ALWAYS get worse.